How to Get Your Kids Off Your Couch and Out The Door

I have the easiest way to get your kids off your couch and out the door.  This works on teens and older.  You could use it on younger ones but you’d have to be less explicit and arrange caouch2for their care first.  With older kids you can say whatever it takes to get the job done.

One afternoon I found out that our youngest adult child was getting ready to go out with her older sister for the day and didn’t plan on returning until the next day so my husband and I decided we wanted to spend it relaxing and hanging out, watching movies, snacking, catching a buzz…naked.  We do that, we like to run around the house naked when its just us.

We went about our day while we waited for her to leave and it seemed like it was taking forever.  Finally my other daughter arrived to pick her up and we thought they’d take off pretty quick but as it turns out us old people, the parents, must be fun to be around because we couldn’t get rid of either of the girls.  They turned on the tv, got a snack, played with their hair in the mirror for an hour and just kept lagging behind.  Finally tired of waiting for them to get the hell out of my house I turned to my beautiful daughters and we had a conversation that went something like this:

Me:  Are you 2 still here?  What’s taking so long?

Them: Nuthing.  Just hanging out.

Me: Get out.

Them: Mom!!  (lots of sighs and eyeball rolling began)

Me: I’m serious.  Get out.  I love you but I have plans so I’m kicking you out.

Them: Alright, alright.  Geez mom.  (Now they started shoving crap in drawers.  A mess I will have to clean later)

Me: Dad and I have plans. We wanna run around naked.

Them: ewwww.  Mom!!  (they are now urgently throwing shit in drawers and grabbing purses and car keys)  That’s really gross mom.  We don’t wanna know what you 2 are doing when we aren’t here.

Me: We’re married.  We’re allowed to be nekkid.  Now get before I start stripping and you know I will.

Them: (Heinous laughter and cackling is coming from them as they zip down the hallway) We know you will!  (they ran out the door in a puff of perfume) We don’t wanna see your butt.  We’re leaving!

I have to tell you this trick really does work.  I’ve used it many many times.  If they act like they don’t believe you then just start stripping and I guarantee you they will make plans to get off your couch and out the door super quick!

It works every time.


Life after kids, an empty nester’s celebration

I hear so many parents whine and complain about their kids not wanting to spend time with them.  Then they fret and worry and sometimes get angry when their kid (naturally) pushes harder to get away from them.  One particular mom comes to mind as I write this – well, actually 2 moms come to mind as I write this.  One dreading the day her daughter moves out and the other sad because her daughters are gone and she misses them so much.

While I certainly understand missing my kids, I don’t understand these women’s plight.  I love my kids, all of them, rotten as they may be, I love them and from time to time I miss them and reminisce about their childhoods but otherwise I am looking forward to renewed independence!  There are things I have been waiting and wanting to do but couldn’t because I had made the choice to be a mother and that was my priority.  But now, I’ve raised my family, I’ve paid my dues and done my duty so to speak.  My kids are moving out and starting their own lives.  It’s the natural cycle of life.  Not so long ago I too was looking for my place in the world and pushed away from my parents.   This is what is supposed to happen.  We raise them (hopefully) well enough that they have the tools necessary to become adults.   Adulthood is the goal line that we always say we can’t wait to cross and when it happens many parents are startled by it.

I remember a time when I looked at parents who had already raised their families with envy because I was still in the “hire a sitter” phase or the “need to be home to be sure they do their homework” phase or some other phase that required me to be a full time parent that stayed at home with my family while I saw those parents enjoying vacations and nights out without having to check with anyone but each other, no sitter to hire or school schedule to worry about.  Their kids were grown and they could enjoy their lives however they saw fit.    Don’t get me wrong, I loved spending time with my kids but every parent I’ve ever met gets tired once in a while from the day ins and outs of parenting and wishes they could just get up and go and do what they want.  Now I understand that there is actually a time for that and I have reached that time so I am celebrating an empty nest not moping over it.

I will enjoy the visits I get with my grown, adult children when I get them but otherwise I plan to enjoy my life.  There are things I want to do, places I want to go, things I want to make and see and experience and now is my time.  And that’s why I’ve decided to change the focus of this blog.  I no longer feel the desire to write a blog from the mommy angle.  I’ve been there, done that.  I’m embarking on new adventures and I want to write a blog from that perspective.  From the perspective of a woman that is in the 2nd phase of her life with a bucket list as long as her arm.  As I do, I will write.  As I experience I will post and as I live I will document.

If you’re in the same boat as me and are looking forward to that 2nd phase where independence and freedom from diapers and homework and weekend curfews then join in and welcome!  If you’re not at this phase yet and you are deep in the thick of diapers, homework and weekend curfews then live vicariously through me and take comfort in the fact that someday your rugrats will grow up too and then you will have a whole lot of life to live.  In the meantime I’ll share my experiences and you can see how I maneuver through all this and while I’m doing it I’d appreciate hello from you when you stop to read.

Empty Nest – The Kids Are Moving Out

What?  I’m sorry, you wanna back that up a bit?  What. Did. You. Just. Say?   The kids are leaving?  Holy cow!

The kids have a been a heavily examined topic of conversation in my house as of late.  My husband and I have reached the stage where our children are grown and starting to move out.

I was talking to this one mom the other day – her twin daughters played with my youngest daughter back when they were 7 and 8 years old – she was having a hard time adjusting to her girls being grown and starting their life.

I said to her, “Give it 6 months.  In 6 months  you’re going to wake up one day and realize there’s less laundry in the hamper, more of your favorite shampoo in the bottle, you actually own a pair of your own socks that do not have holes in them and there’s food in your refrigerator.  Better yet, you suddenly find yourself with the time and money to go out and do stuff without needing a babysitter or to check the daily household schedule.”

She looked at me in shock and said, “Really?  I hate it. I miss them.”   I waved her concerns away, “Sure.  You miss them at first but after a while you get used to it.”

My husband refers to this as the proverbial ritz cracker.  It’s his weird reference – not mine-so don’t make faces at me.  I dunno.

Anyhow, according to my husband it’s the proverbial ritz cracker and it’s all my fault for holding it out in front of his nose because one day I told him, “Don’t you realize that we have this school year and next school year and then we are free.  It’s like being 16 all over again except this time I’m smarter and have more money.  I’m about to be set free.  I get to have my life back again.  We’ve been doing this for over 20 years now, aren’t you ready to be free?”

He said he had not looked at it like that and now that he has he can’t wait for it to happen.  A part of me feels bad that he’s so anxious because I never want my kids to not feel wanted but another part of me is just as excited.  I’ve raised my kids to be good adults, to take care of themselves (with a little help here and there) and to live their own lives.

If I’ve done my job then it should all work out in the wash.  Look at me, I started my own life, raised a family and survived to be a normal, responsible mom.    It’s the cycle of life and I’m ready for it to happen.  I still can’t figure out why they call it the empty nest syndrome because I’m not sad and miserable; I’m excited and ready to be full of life, not cry over an empty nest.    Besides I already had a full nest, let someone else have one.

Here’s 10 things I’m looking forward to when the last one leaves home

10.  I get an entire bathroom just for me.

9.  There won’t be anyone to use up all my favorite perfume.

8.  Nobody is going to eat the last gluten free chocolate chip cookie before I get a chance.

7.  There’s less laundry and dishes.

6.  I don’t have to give my last 20 dollar bill to someone for school book fines.

5.  I don’t have to yell at anyone

4.  I will never ever again need a babysitter.

3.  Grades, teachers, detentions (Blake Airen!) and gym clothes are a thing of the past.

2.  I don’t have to go to bed early or get up early because of one of my kids.

1.  I can travel where I want, when I want and do what I want – even if it’s done nekkid – without worrying about the kids.

1A.  Dating.  I look forward to the thrill and excitement of dating again.